It may surprise you to discover my wife is not my best friend and companion. That distinction would go to my sister, Debbie. My wife has known and understood this fact our entire marriage. I think she knew it before I knew it. My wife feels the same way about my sister.
I married my wife,
partially, because she is Debbie’s best friend. I introduced them on our third
date at the family reunion. At the time
Bonnie was living with her parents in Franklin, Idaho and Debbie was living with
her first husband in Lewiston UT. Debbie was attending high school in Logan
Utah and Bonnie would give her rides home after school. If we had not married, Bonnie would have kept Debbie as a best friend.
I had four things in mind when selecting my wife. I thought about these needs for year's. This is an important thing to know and
understand.
I knew that she needed to be physically attractive, to me. I was not interested in marrying a beauty
queen, but she needed to be someone I was attracted to. I was grateful when the lady I was dating
before Bonnie ask me to stop seeing her.[i] I thought many times how terrible it would be
to wake up in bed with Ginger every morning.
I was so grateful that she stopped dating me.
I needed her to be older than me. I dated older women. I am not sure why this mattered to me, but I
knew it mattered to me. A therapist may
wonder if I was looking more for a mother, than a wife. This may be partially
true.
I knew that she had to love and respect my parents. She did not have to agree with their
lifestyle, but she needed to speak well of them or remain silent. That is why
our third date was to the Herzog Family reunion. I thought it was better to
shock her with my family and then get a response than to get attached to her
and then find that she did not like my family. I joke that her family reminded
me of the Beverly Hillbillies, but that is what attracted her to me.[ii]
It wanted to marry a returned missionary. This
would demonstrate her commitment to the Mormon church and its teachings. At the time men went on missions at 19 and
women went on missions at 21. This is partially why I dated older women. If women could not serve missions until they
were over 21 then the pool of available women would be mostly older women.
Aunt Nancy Martin[iii]
was my second mom. When my mom was struggling
as a young wife and mother, Aunt Nancy was my unofficial nanny. I was with her
so often that people wondered if I was her child. It is this early nurturing
that enables me to love today. Aunt Nancy could not make babies, so Mom shared
her babies with Aunt Nancy. When I was a teenager, I thought about marrying
someone like Aunt Nancy; someone who could not create babies. I knew somehow,
we would find a way to raise babies like Aunt Nancy raised babies. Bonnie told
me she may not be able to make babies. I
told her that it would not stop our marriage. This was a bridge we would cross
when we came to it.
I remember when I was courting Bonnie that I struggled to
find things in common to do together. We first went swimming or to the movies. I took her to visit family members. In the
end, we would meet after I got off work.
She worked nights at the hospital so she would come to Logan early and
we would walk the streets together late at night.
I can spend about 30 minutes with Bonnie and then I get
bored and must find something to entertain myself. When we were first married and living in the
small house in Logan, I would go downstairs to the basement and play with my
computer for hours after dinner. I did
not know how to spend time with Bonnie.
She soon put a stop to that and then I read lots of books. We watched a lot of television when the
children were young.
One of my greatest failures as a husband and father was not
interacting enough with my wife and children.
Most of the time I needed to take a second couple to dinner with us or
on vacation because I had so very little in common with Bonnie. It was nearly
too late when I learned to appreciate spending time with them. That is why our vacations were spent going to family reunions or campouts with Debbie.
I can remember that third day in our first apartment. We got married on a Saturday. On Sunday we went to Cornish UT to bless Debbie’s first child, Fridy. Monday morning, I had to go to work. When I came home, she had cleaned our apartment, bought food, and filled the fridge, and had dinner waiting for me on the table. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Bonnie was the first woman to clean the house and cook just for me. Charlene, Uncle Dave Bassett's wife, when I lived with their family in Kainesville Utah, cared for me like one of her children, but Bonnie did that just for me. She was always home for me when I got off work. When she could not be home, she would call and tell me to wait for her at someone's home or go visit my parents. She knew that I was frightened to go home to an empty house. I felt so abandoned and alone when this happened. It took me decades to realize she was doing that for me because she loves me. I think this happened less than a dozen times in the first 20 years of marriage.
Bonnie was the first woman I remember kissing, besides
momma, and the only one I have been intimate
with. It all began with a gentle nibbling on her ear. It was on our second day
of marriage. She led me to our bedroom
and ask me to help her to make a baby. She was so gentle with me. I think that one act bound me to her
forever. Some birds find themselves
bound to the first person or item they see after breaking out of the
shell. That act was like breaking out of
a shell for me. With that one act, we were forever one soul.
On making a baby ...
Let's make a baby,
She said.
It was not the first night,
But the second.
The first had been a pajama night.
Still, he had not slept with a
woman,
Except for momma, her momma, or an aunt.
The first day was busy,
The wedding breakfast,
Temple ceremony, when he nearly fainted, and the wedding reception.
So, the first night was a pajama
night.
She was the first to kiss him,
Except for momma.
That second night, they did
try, to make a baby.
Little did they know, He could
never create new life.
Still, they luved to try.
The babies did come, send from
another who luved them all.
He so luved his Eve.
So times seam tough and life is a struggle,
Still, he knows she was the first and will remain the only,
To ask him, to help her, to make a baby.
It is difficult to explain why I am so tightly bound to a
woman who so completely bores me. I
struggle to find things in common, things we can share. I can remember dreading long drives in the
car with her. For a couple of years, we
went together to Wyoming, once a week, while I repaired televisions in people’s
homes. Those drives were hard, most of
this time was spent in silence as she crocheted or did handwork. I struggled to
find things to talk to her about. When
she would drive, I would read a book or sleep.
I often fell asleep when we are together from sheer boredom.
on two great suns
Two great suns, once there were.
once in orbit near a great sphere,
Attracted they were one to
another.
This then what of the attraction.
Little in common had they then,
even less now so they find.
This then holds, what attraction?
This distance required, as the
sun's glow brighter,
a greater distance, in their orbit
sphere.
This then fear then he feels,
that destruction may come,
at a smaller orbit, as their strength and bond
glow brighter.
Daily he checks, this then the
dance.
Weaving in and out, each other's
sphere.
This many years now, then have
they danced.
The choice than to continue, this
covenant path.
Long-lasting projects are created by partners. A leader needs someone beside him who can tell him when he is wrong and needs to change. Bonnie is that for me. She is bold and is not afraid to correct me, to help me remain on course. This too has been a source of tension between us. She is tenacious. When she has an idea, she can be like a bulldog. She will remain at her post and no level of prodding or arguing will change her mind or divert her course of action.
Now as we live parallel lives, I have never felt more tightly bound to her. I live with my father while I care for him and attend college online. I check in with her daily and we meet weekly for breakfast together. I find myself looking forward to these times together. I no longer struggle to find things to talk to her about. I no longer am bored by her presence. Maybe I am growing and maturing. I do know that no one will ever mean more to me than her. We have an eternal marriage covenant and I remind her that this time apart will seam small compared to all of eternity.
I look forward to a time when our
babies will number, as the sands of the sea.
[i][i]
Ginger Bright, I discovered after were married that Ginger was Bonnies cousin.
[ii]
The Beverly Hillbillies was a television program
from the early 1960. They were a family
of poor hill fold from the Ozarks. Oil
is discovered on their property and the become wealthy. They take their Hillbilly
lifestyle to Beverly Hills California.
[iii]
Nancy Carolyn Herzog Martin (1947-2015) was my moms’ youngest sister. Growing up they shared the same bedroom. Many
people thought they shared the same personality. They were alike, yet so different. It was
like they took a similar pattern and developed different traits with that
pattern. Many times, mom would take Nancy on our family vacations. My parents and Nancy would share a bed, mom
sleeping between Dad and Nancy. This was a common thing people would do when I
was younger, it was not sexual.
